just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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