wrigley field is MILF paradise
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He shit in the fireplace
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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