My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
