the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
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