just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
MIDGETS
????
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
