you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
