If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
