Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
