it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
