I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I've blown a few things in my day
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
