Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
