rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
