from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
