do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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