Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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