I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
