I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
