my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
