how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
