At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
