you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
