i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
