my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
