I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
