At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
She bit a glass in half.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
