we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
a search helicopter?!
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
