Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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