I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
