I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
