my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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