if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
