i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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