broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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