when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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