I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Randomize
