sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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