I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
