i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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