His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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