Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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