he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
