Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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