splinters make it hard to masturbate
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
