oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
