I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
