i don't like sucking hair
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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