I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
