Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
