All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Randomize
