Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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