my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
