I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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