he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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