I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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