dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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