Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
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