i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
