Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize