Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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